One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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