So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
