This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
