College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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