I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
