My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
