She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
