You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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