We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
