My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
