What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
