If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
