Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
