Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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