i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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