They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
