I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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