well I can't set my house on fire every night
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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