If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
