Whod you bang
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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