there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
