I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
