I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
