this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
