you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
