I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
