It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so much tequila, so little girl.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
