wat bout pragnant strippers??
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
