why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
