sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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