The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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