I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
