Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
