I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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