im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
