The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
