I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
