my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
