I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
