Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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