a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just gift wrapped bread.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
