everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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