Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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