Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
