I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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