As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
