census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
