I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
