True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Can I color on your dick again?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
