I wish I only lived at night.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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