Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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