I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
