Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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