they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Randomize
