Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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